Test your Consultant Quotient

The following test will determing if you have been a consultant too long.

1. You're so used to ignoring instructions, that you didn't even notice none were given for this test.

2. You use so many acronyms you no longer know which are your company's, the client's or the software vendor's.

3. You can tell the copier repair person at the client site exactly what's wrong with the machine and what parts need to be replaced.

4. The new client staff come to you for information on how to start the coffee machine.

5. You've succeeded in memorizing the morning and afternoon schedules of two major airlines' flights to your client's site.

6. You can execute five complex tasks simultaneously, but you can't remember what you had for breakfast that morning.

7. You have enough "vendor" ID badges for a royal flush and two pair.

8. You know all the late night security guards at the client site on a first name basis (replace "security guards" with "cleanup staff" if you wish).

9. You feel naked without a laptop hanging from your left shoulder.

10. You refer to the yield of the tomato plants in your home garden as "deliverables".

11. The project partner tries to hire you.

12. You forego the opportunity to fly home on the weekend, because you really like it in Southfield, MI. (...Bethesda, MD... Norwood, MA...)

13. You say "Whoopee! Half day!" when you leave at 10:00PM.

14. Your kids point at the phone and say "...that's the one that's broken" when you get home, thinking you must be from the NYNEX, 'cause you sure don't look familiar.

15. You start thinking that life in the US Navy Submarine Corps would give you more time at home.

16. You start referring to your laptop by a cute name.

17. You are upset when you come home on Friday night and the lights aren't on, the bed isn't turned down, and there are no chocolates on your pillow.

18. You fantasize about zero-billing.

19. "Vacationing" is spending an entire weekend in your own home.

20. You can call room service and order multiple entrees without looking at the menu.

21. Exhibitors at trade shows ask you to verify flight numbers and times.

22. Security Guards at trade shows no longer ask for ID.

23. You have seen more movies at 35,000 feet than you have at General Cinemas.

24. When someone asks you for your phone number, you have to stop and think which one to give them.

25. The phrases "telecommuting" and "virtual office" have very real (and frightening) meanings for you.

26. You forget how to turn on the windshield wipers (or high beams) in your own car.

27. New staff point at you and say, "... that's him, that's the old guy ... "

28. Your resume looks like a phone book.

29. The client says your rates are too high, and you blush.

30. You introduce yourself to your next door neighbors ... again.

31. Your spouse flies home (to your hotel) for the weekend.

32. You use the word "value added" in a sentence.

33. Your watch shows more than one time zone on it, because it needs to.

34. You have to show ID when picking your kids up from day-care.

35. Someone mentions a 7:00 meeting and you say, "AM or PM?"

36. You cry when your laptop won't start.

37. You carry on a 5 minute conversation about data warehousing, solving half of the outstanding problems, then get around to asking what it means.

38. When other people speak of vacations in warm sunny places, you get alost look on your face, cock your head to one side and say, "...my last vacation was, um, it was, ah, um, er ...."

39. You have a day off, and you call work because you miss it.

40. You write a workplan for your weekends.

41. You can tell which phone company you're dialing on the difference in the signal tone before you hear the announcement.

42. When the phone "Thanks you for using AT&T" (or MCI, or Sprint), you still say "You're welcome".

43. Someone asks you what you do for a living, and you can't answer the question.

44. Before starting the car, you insist on telling everyone where the emergency exits are.

45. Before stopping the car, you insist that everyone stay seated until the fasten seatbelts sign is off.

46. You call computer support with a question just for the entertainment of hearing their answer.

47. You can tell from what's in the vending machine how long it has been since it was restocked.

48. You look forward to a good dinner (or lunch, or breakfast...) because it (the vending machine) was restocked recently.

49. You name meals by what time of day it is, rather than by which one this is since you last slept.

50. You can't remember how many meal's you've had since you last slept.

51. You insist that your friends submit time sheets each month so you can see what you missed.

52. You have the number for Microsoft Technical Support programmed into your autodialer.

53. You can tell the hotel staff what their room-rate policy is.

54. You believe that e-mail is as good as a conversation can get.

55. Instant coffee (or hot chocolate) tastes good.

56. You can remember 15 client and hotel phone numbers, but you get stumped when asked for your home number.

57. You file more state income tax returns than Microsoft has trademarks.

58. You've been staying in the same hotel, you instinctively call it "home".

59. The hotel staff recognizes you and gives you the same room every week (this is not always good).

60. The room service staff feels free to bitch at you because they know you'll be back next week anyway.

61. You know all the favorite radio stations of all the valet parking guys.

62. You get more calls from the hotel staff to see if you're OK than you do from your friends.

63. Then you realize the hotel staff are your friends.

64. You use your frequent flyer miles for company business just so they won't expire.

65. When you find a test on the net about being a consultant too long, not only do you download it, but you can add entries to the list.